This week, I’d like to introduce you to another strong woman who has experience with dealing with a Narcissist. Iva Perez and I were able to connect a few months back and share a bit about our experiences of growing up with a narcissistic parent. I was so happy when she shared that she was also interested in helping others who were going through these dynamics and knew that her voice would be the perfect way to end this month of focusing on Narcissistic abuse awareness. If like me, you love what she has to say, be sure to check out her links at the bottom of the article.
And now, here’s Iva’s story:
The Wound IS the Gift: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Being part of this ‘exclusive’ club has no badge of honor attached to it.
The moment the blindfolds come off and the realization sets in like dried cement can only be described as harsh: My own mother. Incapable. Of loving me.
It’s a rite of passage no one envies going through.
But I bring along a metaphorical flashlight that shines hope as I can assure you, no matter how difficult things might seem, when you do the inner work and replace every limiting belief you absorbed growing up, you will emerge solid, confident, and powerful.
You will thrive.
Even if you think it’s not possible, when you start doing the work, I am here as proof that everything will turn around.
Narcissistic mothers are one of the most complex and harmful individuals with whom a healthy relationship is almost never possible.
This personality disorder displays some common characteristics: an inflated sense of her own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists have a very binary view of the world where there is no in-between, and always treat others according to those extremes.
I always had this pervasive, nagging sense that the relationship with my mother was hanging by a very thin and invisible thread. Deep within I knew something was wrong with my seemingly good mother but couldn’t put my finger on it. And as I grew older, our relationship was held in place by the hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it.
The moment all the pieces started to come together, a sudden grief washed over me. Narcissists can’t develop the ability to empathize with others, and so can never learn to love. Unfortunately, this doesn’t change when they have children. There’s a difference between real love and narcissistic “love.” And all we ever get is the latter one as daughters of narcissistic mothers.
There is a profound period of mourning that comes after such a realization: I had actually experienced emotional abuse and constant gaslighting my whole life. No wonder I was in constant fight-or-flight mode with internalized trauma as a result! Not feeling safe, not trusting- it was the fear-tinted glass through which I had always experienced life.
It is a very deep wound.
As I slowly and gradually took this in, freedom and grief collided. Freedom in realizing that not everyone saw me as my narcissistic mother did; and grief because she saw me through a skewed lens of which I had no hand in creating. And therefore, she could never truly see me.
Accepting that there is trauma is the first step towards a complete healing and releasing.
This trauma wound IS the gift. Sometimes the gift is realizing the trauma and also going No Contact as a result.
Sadly, there is nothing to gain from engaging with a narcissist. You can’t reason with them like with any other normal person, and sometimes, the only way to regain your sanity, soul, and life back is to withdraw your energy (and presence) and focus on your own healing instead.
Going No Contact might look difficult when it comes to your own mother. However, when relationships become unsustainable, as they eventually do with narcissists, no matter how hard we may try to save the relationship, many of us can find no other alternative but separation.
So, the success of No Contact lies in one big factor: effectively taking back your power at the deepest cellular level.
This first cycle of grief and liberation simply cannot be bypassed or rushed. It’s like a deep profound purging that needs to happen to face and internalize the second cycle of truths: that you are perfect and loveable just as you are, and you always were.
The light at the other end is about understanding how our subconscious works, the powerful rules that guide it and how you can always use them to your advantage.
When your primary caretaker is a narcissist, they get to program very dysfunctional, distorted and damaging beliefs in us and we use these faulty beliefs as inner blueprints acting upon them with every decision we make. And just like a computer program, our beliefs will stay the same unless we change them and reprogram them. Our thoughts control our feelings, our feelings control our actions, and our actions control our destiny.
Our beliefs CAN be changed.
To break this cycle of triggers and negative thoughts, you need to be aware of the limiting beliefs that you carry around. In my personal case, I had to change my inner voice because it wasn’t mine. It was my mother’s. And it was harsh, it was critical, it was full of guilt and shame.
With every new decision I made, I was recreating these patterns of belief over and over again. But once I was able to upgrade my old toxic and limiting beliefs about myself through a Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTTÒ) experience, everything changed.
Reprogramming your subconscious mind and shifting those deeply engrained beliefs that are faulty at best and destructive at worst might seem impossible. So please take heed when I say that even after thirty-five years of carrying them around myself, I was able to turn it all around. For the better.
And so can you.
It is only when you can address and transmute your wound into healing and emotionally get to a place where you are indifferent towards the narcissist, that you can successfully keep No Contact. This is key- as this possibly makes the narcissist disappear as she runs out of the fuel to keep abusing you with.
Through my own RTTÒ session, I was finally able to change the interpretation of everything that had happened. I was able to transform the strong emotional chokehold my mother had on me. Her actions simply lost their power over me. No matter what she did, or didn’t do; said or didn’t say, I was finally freed from it.
I had gotten my life back.
This is a huge task and it’s important to give yourself the proper support and grace you deserve in going through it. When you temper your own emotions, releasing them safely without disrespecting others or yourself, you’re finally ensuring a balance between respect of others with a healthy dose of self-respect by not allowing yourself to become a victim of someone else’s emotions. This IS the ultimate gift.
This is the gift I hope you can also give yourself.
Now, as a Licensed RTTÒ Practitioner myself, I have come to realize that every relationship in life allows for an opportunity to find a deeper relationship to your own true self.
As a daughter of a narcissist, being able to re-parent myself and come out on the other side, thriving and getting my power back, is one of my biggest achievements. I have learned how to harness grief into healing AND freedom. These are the gifts I was able to harvest from one of the toughest relationships anyone can be in. And I am here to remind you that so can you.
If you are finding yourself a victim of narcissistic abuse, I invite you to take the first step into having a Rapid Transformational Therapy experience, in which you can begin changing your inner programming and detox harmful emotional energy.
Schedule your complimentary Inspired Action Call with me. I will share what you can do right now to start taking inspired action and feel calmer, confident and guilt-free. You will leave the session knowing the exact steps to break the cycle of limiting beliefs and guilt so you can move forward with confidence and ease.
Book your session here:
To connect with Iva further, find her here:
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