How to define a narcissist…
To keep it simple, a narcissist is someone who thinks so highly of themselves that they legitimately only see others for what they can provide. There is no empathy or real love to give- they just take and take until you have nothing left. A narcissist will never accept blame, never admit to being cruel and will turn gaslighting into an art. They invalidate your feelings, isolate you and slowly destroy your confidence and self esteem so that you stop resisting their control. The worst part? They’re really good at hiding what they are, so you don’t see the problem until it’s too late.
I’ve been researching and learning about the narcissistic personality disorder for about ten years now, and I’m STILL learning. I unfortunately have a lot of first hand experience in dealing with narcissists… three of them in fact. One was my father, and the other two were women who I had considered to be like sisters to me. None of these people are in my life anymore, but each of these relationships went on for years before I realized what was happening. That’s a long time to spend being manipulated and kept in submission.
While you definitely feel lighter once you’re free of a narcissist, there is still a LOT of healing that will need to take place. For some people, it’s never really over.
Narcissist’s are drawn towards empaths, because we’re typically easier to control.
Relationships between narcissists and empaths usually start out so nice- love bombing and compliments and anything else to make you feel like you’re on top of the world. You begin to rely on them and to need them. Once you’re hooked, the manipulation starts. The relationship will need to center on the narcissist and if you ask for attention in return, you’re labeled as needy or high maintenance. You end up spending your life trying to please the narcissist and feel guilty if you’re not happy. They might try to isolate you from others so that no one will be able to help you by validating your feelings. They convince you that you’re dramatic or crazy (and they’ll try to convince other people of your drama too).
Then comes the real kicker- they convince you that you’re lucky to have them because you’re so unworthy of love. They make you believe that no one else will ever want you, and so you deal with the pain because you think it’s better than being alone.
These relationships can be romantic, but they don’t have to be. As I said, my relationships with narcissists were with family or people that I thought were my friends. Regardless of the type of relationship it is, being involved with a narcissist is extremely damaging and can cause a lot of mental distress, anxiety and depression.
10 ways to spot a narcissist:
- They are allowed to say and feel whatever they want, but if you respond or defend yourself, you are the bad guy.
- Nothing is EVER their fault. They are the victim in every scenario.
- You have to do all of the work in the relationship and you’re not allowed to ask for them to contribute.
- Everything needs to revolve around them. It’s never allowed to be about you.
- They are never remorseful and will lie to get out of trouble.
- They’ll get jealous if you have other friends/family/relationships and make you feel guilty for not focusing more on them.
- They point out your flaws and convince you that you’re lucky because they ‘love’ you despite how damaged you are.
- Everything you say will get twisted around to make you seem crazy, to a point that you doubt yourself.
- They never acknowledge causing you pain and try to convince you that you’re remembering things wrong.
- Their problems and interests are always the priority. You never come first.
Selfish isn’t a strong enough word to describe a narcissist.
Rules don’t apply to them and you don’t matter to them. By the time they’re done with you, you might not even matter to yourself anymore. (They might claim to love you, but if they treat you like this, it’s not love.)
If this sounds familiar, I beg of you, make a change. Get help and get away from the narcissist in your life.
It might not be as easy as blocking their number. It will be hard and painful, but not as hard or painful as allowing them to continue abusing you for the rest of your life. But that’s what a relationship with a narcissist is- abuse.
I promise you that no matter what anyone tells you, YOU do MATTER.
Your value is not defined by what you can provide for another person. You are just as important as the next person and your worth is not diminished in any way if someone else doesn’t love you. Nobody deserves to be gaslighted or devalued. You matter and deserve to be treated right- Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
Click here for more on mental health.
In case you need it, here is a link for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.Want to connect further?